BERNADETTE

Mother! Someone has left the latrine seat up again! That’s every day now for a fortnight.

MOTHER

Sister Bernadette! Please do not bother me with piddling trifles. Can’t you see Sister Phoebe and I are trying to get to grips with the convent finances? (More tutting and sighing).

BERNADETTE

What is the situation? Is it as grave as it sounds?

PHOEBE

You could say that Sister Bernadette.  As my father used to say, ‘Annual income: one shilling and sixpence; Annual expenditure: one shilling and seven pence; result: Misery!”

MOTHER

 What the Dickens are you on about?  (A pause) Well, there is no alternative. I will have to initiate an immediate deficit reduction regime. We just cannot go on living beyond our means. The regime will need to be tough, but at the same time, fair. Everyone must share the burden. We’re all in this together.

BERNADETTE

But what will that mean in practice Mother?

MOTHER

We will need to search out efficiencies.

PHOEBE

Such as?

MOTHER

For example… (desperately trying to come up with something)  For example, we will have to stop paying Titchmarsh, the gardener.

PHOEBE

But we don’t pay him as it is.

MOTHER

What, nothing?

BERNADETTE

Well, he takes some of the produce from the gardens – the odd turnip. Some eggs. And milk from the goat. And he is allowed firewood - when there’s an ‘R’ in the month.

MOTHER

I’m afraid that from today we will need every turnip for our own tables, including the odd ones.

BERNADETTE

Well some of them are really very oddly shaped – I’d say Titchmarsh does us a service by removing them before they reach the kitchen. I’m not sure what the novices would make of some of them! I mean, Sister Esther…

MOTHER

Yes, Yes, that’s quite enough.

PHOEBE

Strange name, strange woman.

BERNADETTE

Yes. (to herself) And she’s been with us exactly a fortnight!

MOTHER

Sister Esther joined us as part of the bishop’s multicultural initiative, which we must respect. At least we get a small grant for that. Now what about the mineral extraction operation? According to these figures our copper winning rate is the lowest in Christendom. Can they not work faster?

PHOEBE

I’m afraid the older nuns are less efficient than the novices, and even hinder the operation with their arthritis and rheumatism.

MOTHER

Well we should move the older sisters onto other work and leave the mining to the minors.

BERNADETTE

Ha ha! Minors! Very funny Mother.

MOTHER

Never mind that. (A pause) It’s no good; I will have to cancel the “Building Cloisters for the Future” programme.

PHOEBE

I must say, that is a very courageous decision, Mother Francis.

BERNADETTE

It will put Master Barratt’s nose out of joint. He’s just taken on another two apprentices.

MOTHER

It cannot be helped.  His apprentices will have to try their luck with Sir Alan de Viglen. I hear he is hiring, and is offering a two-figure salary to the successful candidate.

BERNADETTE

Really? I must inform my brother Ralph. What qualities should he display?

PHOEBE

I’m told the candidates must be foolish dunderheads who can bicker with others whilst pretending to be ‘team players’, whatever that means.

BERNADETTE

And what role does Sir Alan have for the apprentice?

PHOEBE

He will work in Sir Alan’s pottery, at the kiln. Sir Alan needs to know that the crocks are properly fired.

MOTHER

Please can we stick to the problem at hand? How are we going to deal with this financial mess?

BERNADETTE

I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky. I understand our Irish sisters at St. Cecilia’s have had to go cap in hand, so to speak, to the bishop to request a large loan.

MOTHER

Did they get it?

PHOEBE

Yes, but at an extortion rate of interest. It’s the same story everywhere – The Abbey at Santander, St. Berlesconi’s in Milan.

MOTHER

Please do not mention the name of that convent in my presence!

PHOEBE

I am informed that the convent of St. Stavros have received a promise of financial help from a benefactor called Attila.

BERNADETTE

That sounds very unorthodox.

MOTHER

Sisters! Please! The matter in hand!

BERNADETTE

Is there not some way we can increase the convent’s income?

PHOEBE

Well I was thinking. We could make a charge on the pilgrims when they rest here.

MOTHER

You know very well, Sister Phoebe, that we have a duty to provide free hospitality to all pilgrims who pass this way.

PHOEBE

Of course. But I have heard that St. Ryan’s have come up with some novel ways of ‘adding value’ to the obligation – ways that are quite in accordance with canon law.

MOTHER

Such as?

PHOEBE

Well, for example, we could have a height limit for a traveller’s horse. Anything over fifteen hands would attract a surcharge.

MOTHER

And if they’re on foot?

PHOEBE

Well, if their backpack exceeds a certain weight we could apply an additional charge – call it a baggage excess.

 BERNADETTE

But wouldn’t we need some sort of weighing apparatus?

PHOEBE

A simple see-saw type of device. On one side the traveller would place his bag. On the other, we would place, say, a stone from the quarry. This has the advantage that, should we desire subtly to change the rate of excess, say in three month’s time, we merely need to use a slightly smaller stone.

MOTHER

I like your thinking, Sister Phoebe. But I feel we shall need something much more lucrative to pull us out of the quagmire.

PHOEBE

Well there is an adage “Every little helps.” But I hear what you are saying. (A pause) Erm, I do have a plan.

MOTHER

A plan?

BERNADETTE

Is it a cunning plan, perchance?

PHOEBE

Yes, a plan so cunning that…

MOTHER & BERNADETTE

What?

PHOEBE

A plan so cunning, that the king may even be minded to ban the hunting of it with hounds.

MOTHER & BERNADETTE

What is it?

PHOEBE

We throw down a challenge to the local gentry – no; even farther afield – across the county, across the kingdom even. (Dreamingly) Internationally perhaps!

MOTHER & BERNADETTE

Yes?

PHOEBE

They will be challenged to stay in the convent for a fortnight –all together in one room.

BERNADETTE

It does not seem much of a challenge.

PHOEBE

Well, there will be daily additional challenges, designed to break their resolve.

MOTHER

For example?

PHOEBE

Each day lots will be cast, and the winner, or loser, depending on your point of view, will have to, say, eat five roasted cockroaches, or the tail of a pickled rat.

BERNADETTE

That’s disgusting!

PHOEBE

Or he may have to act out, in his undergarments, a scene from a mystery play, or be a hobby horse for a day, or a blindfolded jester whose backside becomes a target for the others’ boots. And so on and so forth.

MOTHER

And how does this make us any money?

PHOEBE

The local peasants may, for a fee, attend daily to observe the group – its interactions, the skylarking, the inevitable quarrels. And each day the peasants elect one participant. The loser, or winner, depending on your point of view, will be required to leave the convent and the contest.

MOTHER

Mmm. Localism and community participation! Very good. But would the peasants really be willing to pay to watch such a spectacle?

PHOEBE

Spectacle is exactly the right word, and is the reason the peasants will flock to witness it. I think you’ll be surprised at what passes for entertainment these days.

BERNADETTE

It could be the new bear baiting!

PHOEBE

That’s certainly one way of looking at it, Bernadette.

MOTHER

But what is in it for the participants?

PHOEBE

Apart from celebrity status? Well first they each pay a hundred shillings to take part. And he who stays the course will take a prize of five hundred shillings.

MOTHER

Wait! I am doing the mathematics. With a dozen contenders, that would mean seven hundred shillings for our coffers. Brilliant! We would need to make this challenge widely known. How could we do that?

PHOEBE

We would use what is called ‘a publicist’. I believe there is one in Weirport.

BERNADETTE

Oh yes. Master Clifford.

PHOEBE

That’s the man.

MOTHER

We would need a name for the challenge – something to capture the imagination. For example, “The Golden Gauntlet”. Do you see what I have done there? I have taken ‘gauntlet’ with its reference to a challenge, and juxtaposed it with ‘golden’ – a reference to the prize money. The fact that there is alliteration is a bonus, don’t you think?

BERNADETTE

(She has not been listening) What about “Cloisterphobia”?

PHOEBE

I was thinking more along the lines of “I am a nobleman, get me out of here!”

MOTHER

Oh yes. It has SUCCESS inscribed upon every square inch of its surface!

ESTHER

Good day sir. And you must be…

SIR PERCY

Sir Percy Porcelain. And you are? (He peers at a name badge on Esther’s underveil). Sister Esther. (Esther recoils somewhat at the invasion of her personal space).

ESTHER

(Recovering) Ah yes. Sir Percy. (She ticks his name on the scroll) Welcome to ‘I am a nobleman – get me out of here’. You travelled by horse?

SIR PERCY

Most certainly. Your lad is seeing to it. Why?

ESTHER

And how many hands does your horse have?

SIR PERCY

Hands? Hands? It has four hooves – one at each corner, as nature intended.

ESTHER

But its height, Sir Percy. How many hands?

SIR PERCY

Oh, I see. Seventeen as near as damn it.

ESTHER

That will be two shillings per night.

SIR PERCY

What?

ESTHER

There is a surcharge for the larger horses – to cover the additional hay they are expected to consume.

SIR PERCY

Daylight robbery! Do you have any nuts?

ESTHER

I beg your pardon! What are you implying?

SIR PERCY

Nuts. For the horse.

ESTHER

Oh, I see. Yes we do have some hard fodder.

SIR PERCY

Let me guess. There is an additional charge for nuts?

ESTHER

A small handling charge, yes.

SIR PERCY

Good God! All these extras! There was no intimation that I would have to stump up anything other than the entrance fee.

ESTHER

I believe the full range of our charges was written on the reverse of the invitation, (to herself) though perhaps in somewhat small script.

SIR PERCY

Have we met before, sister Esther? I must confess there is something familiar about you.

ESTHER

I have never been to Essex, sir.

SIR PERCY

How did you know I am from Essex?

ESTHER

It says so in my notes, here.

SIR PERCY

Well I’m damn-well sure I know you from somewhere.

ESTHER

I would appreciate it, Sir Percy, if you would kindly refrain from blaspheming so much whilst in God’s House

SIR PERCY

And I would appreciate it, Sister Esther, if that’s your real name, if you would remember that it was your mother superior who invited me here, to take part in this, this challenge thing. So I am a guest in God’s house. A guest who has paid a hundred shillings for the privilege!

ESTHER

Yes, of course, Sir Percy.

SIR PERCY

Now, how many of the other partakers have arrived?

ESTHER

There are seven others, Sir Percy. You are the last to arrive. (under her breath) And hopefully the first to leave.

SIR PERCY

Let me at them. Where do I go?

ESTHER

The challenge will be held in the calefactory. The first two days will be a ‘getting to know you’ period.

SIR PERCY

Getting to know you? What’s to know?

ESTHER

I imagine it is in much the same way that two cocks may circle each other in the pit, before deciding where the opponent’s vigours and limitations lie. I believe it’s called a SWOT analysis.

SIR PERCY

Seems like a bloody waste of time to me.

ESTHER

It is hoped that this initial period will stimulate discussion among the peasants as to who might be the first to leave, or the eventual champion, or the one they love, or the one they love to hate, and so on and so forth. For the first two days there will be no daily challenges, and no popular vote.

SIR PERCY

I see! So the idea is to draw the challenge out to attract as many observers as the exigencies of town life will sustain – the more to swell the convent’s coffers?

ESTHER

Er, exactly Sir Percy.

SIR PERCY

I begin to wonder now if I should have negotiated a share of the total fees taken at the convent gate.

ESTHER

Well it has been suggested, Sir Percy, that the challenge could provide further income generating opportunities – not necessarily for the winner, but for other participants, for example, the person considered the most hated by the peasants.

SIR PERCY

How so?

ESTHER

Well, another impresario, in setting up a similar challenge elsewhere, might seek out such a person, whose fame, or infamy would have gone before him, to add interest and spice to the proceedings. And the impresario would most probably be willing to pay a premium for that person’s attendance.

SIR PERCY

Yes, I can see that one could make an alternative career out of being a Nasty Nicholas, or a Malevolent Michael.

ESTHER

The possibilities are endless, Sir Percy.

SIR PERCY

(dreamily) Mmm Yes. Very well, lead on then!

ESTHER

This way sir, after you.

SIR PERCY

No, after you, sister.

ESTHER

No, after you, sir.

SIR PERCY

Oh, get out of my way, woman!

Exeunt