Get Out Clause - Caroline Harbord

Place:              Avon and Somerset Constabulary, Police Station, 2 Millfield, Chard

Time:               9.00 a.m. Boxing Day, 26th December 2009

Persons:          Detective Chief Inspector Stephen Dyer

                        Detective Sergeant Phillip Small

                        Mr Niklaus San de Clorzch

                        Ms. Jane Gundry, Duty Solicitor

Scene I            The corridor leading to the interview rooms

DCI Dyer         I hope this is good, Sergeant. I was just enjoying my Boxing Day lie- in when you called. What, or rather who, is so urgent? The Reid brothers and their drugs ring, or is it Sean McGregor and his pubescent skin-flick empire?

DS Small         Neither Sir. It’s Mr de Clorzch.

DCI Dyer         Mr de Clorzch! The Mr de Clorzch! Our Mr de Clorzch!

DS Small         Yes Sir. Uniform brought him in last night. Suspected “breaking and entering”. And more Sir; he was found in a little girl’s bedroom.

DCI Dyer         I don’t believe it. Mr de Clorzch? Impossible! He’s whiter than white; up there with the glitterati, always doing good works; donates money to every bl000ming charity in Chard. This I simply don’t believe. Give me the file. Who’s with him?

DS Small         Ms Gundry Sir. He declined a solicitor of his own, said the Duty Solicitor would do him fine.

DCI Dyer         Right, let’s go and see what the upright Mr de Clorzch has to say.

Scene 2           The Interview room

DS Small         For the record, present are Detective Chief Inspector Stephen Dyer, Detective Sergeant Phillip Small, Mr Niklaus San de Clorzch and Ms Jane Gundry, Duty Solicitor.

DCI Dyer         You are Niklaus San de Claus of Wishing House, Crewkerne Road, Chard.

Niklaus           I am.

DCI Dyer         You understand why you are here, Mr de Clorzch? We are investigating a serious complaint made against you by Mrs Jade Dickson of 37 Furnham Close, that you entered her house on the morning of 25 December with felonious intent.

Niklaus           I can explain, really.

DCI Dyer         I hope so Mr de de Clorzch I really do hope so. However, as well as the complaint by Mrs Dickson, I have here in my file a catalogue of other offences which appear to be laid at your door, stretching back over the past ten days or more. So shall we start at the beginning? Let’s begin with the visit last Friday 18th December by Mr Kieron Robbins of the Bristol office of the Health and Safety Executive, to the premises “Toyz R Yourz” on the Chard Business Park. This is your premises is it not?

Niklaus           Yes, it is.

DCI Dyer         Mr Robbins made an unannounced visit following information passed to him by an unspecified individual concerning the activities at “Toyz R Yourz”. What he found there alarmed him. There did not appear to be any management staff on the premises and there were several clear breaches of Health and Safety legislation — ladders being scaled to reach stock at high levels without the necessary precautions being taken, no guard rails or other protective facilities for the staff working there, no proper loading and unloading areas. Overcrowding meant staff were in particular danger of accidents. There was no Health and Safety Notice displayed and apparently no procedures in place, no risk assessments and no system for RIDDOR. RIDDOR what’s that?

DS Small         Reporting of accidents at work system, Sir. Health and Safety.

DCI Dyer         Right! Mr Robbins alerted the other agencies as to the situation at “Toyz R Yourz” and this resulted in visits the following Monday 21st December by Mr Nigel O’Grady of the Environmental Health Department of South Somerset District Council and Miss Jenny Simmons of the Social Services Department. Mr O’Grady was particularly concerned to note that the manufacture of food products — namely chocolate — was being carried out at the premises. There had been no application for a license for food manufacture there and no microbiological testing of the end products was being carried out. He also observed that milk was being brought onto the premises for the chocolate production and notified the Rural Payments Agency, Milk Quota Division at Exeter who confirmed that nobody at the premises held a license for the collection or processing of milk. Miss Laura Fairweather of the RPA Milk Quota Division also enquired as to the means of milk haulage as they had no records of anyone being licensed to deliver milk to that premises. She also confirmed that none of the accredited testing laboratories on their list had any dealings with the premises or anyone giving the premises as a site of manufacture.

Niklaus           Inspector if you would just let me explain.

DCI Dyer         Just a moment Mr de Clorzch. Mr O’Grady, upon inspecting the rear of the premises, noticed some dilapidated sheds and on further investigation discovered some ungulates.

Ms Gundry     Excuse me Chief Inspector, did you say “ungulates”?

DCI Dyer         I did. What the hell, excuse me Ms Gundry, are ungulates?

DS Small         Hoofed animals Sir; came up in the pub quiz a couple of months back.

DCI Dyer         Hoofed animals. Oh yes, he says later on “venison”.

Niklaus           No, No! Not venison, they’re deer, reindeer.

DCI Dyer         Having observed the “ungulates” Mr O’Grady notified the Animal Health Division of Somerset County Council in Taunton and also the RSPCA and DEFRA. Animal Health said they had no record of ungulates being kept at Chard Business Park, and no animal movement records or veterinary and medicine records had been received by them. Mr Mike Verry of the RSPCA made an emergency visit to the site on Tuesday 22nd December but reported that the animals seemed well cared for and he had no concerns on that score. Mrs Daphne Carter from the DEFRA farm animal identification and tracing division made a visit, also on the Tuesday, and was highly concerned to find that none of the ungulates were ear-tagged and had no other identification marks. There were no movement records or birth records on site and no veterinary medicine book, no health plan and no records of feed deliveries. She has now apparently alerted other departments within DEFRA. Miss Jenny Simmons of Social Services reported that the large number of employees on the premises appeared to be “vulnerable adults” being small of stature and did not speak English. The employees did not seem to realise that they should be paid for their labour and Miss Simmons has made sure that the local Trade Union officials have been informed and that the advisors from the Chard Citizens Advice Bureau have been to see the workers. She informed the Immigration Office and the Employment Section of the Department of Trade and Industry as there was no evidence of any documentation relating to work permits, employment contracts or payments to employees and evidence of several other breaches of employment legislation. She also contacted Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs. The HMRC VAT department’s Mr Singh made an immediate visit that day and discovered various VAT infringements — lack of import licenses for foreign products, no proper records of VAT charged, in fact no invoice files anywhere. In collaboration with Miss Heather Brown of the Revenue Section of HMRC he conducted a thorough search of the premises but could locate no documentation relating to goods in or goods out, no financial data or computer records. In fact there seemed to be no systems in place at all. It was amazingly haphazard. Companies House have no records for a company trading under the name of “Toyz R Yourz” and the Revenue Section of HMRC have no PAYE records or individual income tax records either.

Niklaus           You don’t understand. We have never paid them. They do it because they love it.

DCI Dyer         Mrs Carter while she was inspecting the ungulates reported the presence of a vehicle in the adjoining shed. When DS Small investigated he found a large vehicle fitted with padded seats, bells and other paraphernalia. This vehicle had no lights, no tax disc and DVLA Swansea denied all knowledge of it — not surprising as apparently it had no number plate. Information received from the adjoining residential properties in Furnham Crescent led us to contact the Civil Aviation Authority as there were reports of aircraft taking off from the car parking area in the Business Park.

Niklaus           No, not aircraft.

DS Small         It would have to need a very short runway Sir if you wanted to take off from there.

Niklaus           We don’t need much in the way of space. The animals are very light-footed.

DCI Dyer         he CAA reported that there could not possibly be aircraft operating from there. They were highly alarmed as of course it’s within the MATZ for Yeovilton.

Ms Gundry     What’s a MATZ Chief Inspector?

DS Small         It’s a Military Air Traffic Zone Ms Gundry, designed to keep all other air traffic out.

DCI Dyer         The CAA are sending an inspector down tomorrow to investigate further.

Niklaus           That really won’t be necessary Inspector. We are all finished for this year. There won’t be any more flights.

DCI Dyer         Yesterday Police Constable Phillips and Police Constable Dickson reported several complaints from residents on Chaffcombe Road in Chard. A Mrs Jennifer Logan of Appletree Cottage reported a break-in. She is a 76 year old lady who had her two grandchildren staying with her for Christmas and she was very upset to discover items of food and drink missing from her lounge.

Niklaus           It wasn’t a break-in, the children had written letters to me. And they always leave out sherry and mince pies for me and the reindeer.

DCI Dyer         And then there was the serious complaint by Mrs Jade Dickson. Why were you in that little girl’s bedroom Mr de Clorzch? What possible reason could there be?

A knock at the door

DS Small         Sir! The chief would like a word, outside.

A momentary pause

 DS Small         Sorry about this Mr de Clorzch, Ms Gundry. I’m sure Chief Inspector Dyer won’t be more than a moment or two. Ah here he is,

DCI Dyer         Well, It seems, Mr de Clorzch, that you have friends in high places. My instructions are to let you go. No charges will be made.

Ms Gundry     Does this mean that you have no further interest in my client, Mr Dyer?

DCI Dyer         Yes, Ms Gundry, it does. Mr de Clorzch is free to go. I will not require him to return. I’m not sure why but I think I should be apologising to you Mr de Clorzch.

Niklaus           No apology is necessary, Inspector, it is after all, Christmas.

Scene 3           Police Station Reception Area

DS Small         Here we are Mr de Clorzch, here are your things. One black leather belt; one scarlet padded jacket with silver buttons and fur trimmings; one scarlet cloak, hood attached — very nice if I may say so, Sir. And one. .. I’m sorry Sir, I don’t know what this is. Some sort of gizmo.

Niklaus           It’s a Geopos device Sergeant, tells me where I am. Contrary to popular belief I do not live in the last Century or even the one before. I’ve also got SatNav on the sleigh — excellent to stop the reindeer from getting lost, although we did end up in a field off the A303 near Andover the other evening. Now, if I don’t see your Chief Inspector again, will you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and tell him I liked the new wallpaper in his sitting room — a great improvement. And a Merry Christmas to you too Sergeant!